Bonbon,
I just want you to know that I was the most emotionally damaged person I have ever met. I was the most obsessive person I have ever met. I was named die hard as in the battery, because I hung on to unhealthy relationships as if my very life depended on it, which it did at the time. I would make a game out of my detective work by dressing my kids in trench coats, hats and sunglasses when I would go out and try to catch my boyfriend cheating on me. My girlfriend and I knew they were cheating on us, but couldn't prove it. I couldn't leave the kids at home so had to make it a game without them knowing what we were really doing.
You don't even come close to what I used to be like. I cried every day for 20 years. I was in denial about absolutely everything. I had to come out of denial slowly because the reality shock can only be handled a little at a time. Denial is a gift of survival. I thank God for denial. It kept me alive for years. You are gaining knowledge and strength right now. It may not feel that way, but you are.
At the beginning of my journey of suffering I dreamed a scripture that I had never read before. It was in a version that I didn't even own, so I know I didn't make it up. The scripture was "If you can't keep up with the footmen, how will you ever run with the horses?" I think my HP was letting me know to fasten my seatbelt for the journey that would be ahead of me.
I look back and can't figure out how I survived all that I have survived, but I can also look back and see how much I've learned. I should have a Doctor's Degree in something from the life experience I have. I guess that's what you call learning everything the hardest way.
Well, once again, sorry for the book. I'm just trying to say that if I'm here and still alive and kicking that there is so much hope for you. The suffering that you are going through now will not last forever. It has its purpose. One day we will be able to run with the horses.
Many HUGS,
MG