WENDYLOST101

I am trying so hard here lately to work on myself and get my husband help with his back at the same time. I guess there is no easy way to do this. I am ready to give up. Anyone who knows me knows my husband has legitimate back problems. That is how his addiction started. Well he still has the back problems even after having surgery so I decided to give him another chance and go to the doctors with him to try and get him help and hold his pills for him so he cant abuse them. Well, it has been working okay for the past month. We have just now started to get any help with his back. He is supposed to have an injection Friday. Anyway, I keep his pills in a bottle in my purse and of course sleep with my purse under my pillow. Well, he has done mostly good considering.... Only stolen them from me a few times and only one or two at a time instead of the whole bottle. Which for him really is good. Well Saturday night he stole like three of them. We had not so nice words about it and went our seperate ways to cool off. Well, the subject came up later and we started discussing it again and of course then he asked me for two of his pills. It was time for it, but only one. He said give him two. We argued back and forth and then I finally gave up and gave him two just to shut him up. He says he need two cause me griping and complaining stresses him and makes his back worse. Well, quack quack quack! Anyway... That was the last of his pills from this prescription. He knows I am supposed to pick up the new bottle today. He calls me at 12:00 and says can I have two of my pills when you get home? I said no. He said, well I was trtying to be good and ask you instead of going by the pharmacy and getting them myself. Good ol' manipulative quacking at its finest. First off I said where did you get money? Ive had money he says. Well this weekend he didnt have a dime to his name to buy his own cigarettes, but now he has 15 dollars to get a prescription filled. I swear I absolutely hate his guts sometimes. I know how childish that sounds, but I do. I want to watch him fall off a bridge and hit the pavement. I truly believeI could stand there and watch him bleed to death and not cry one single tear for him.

I am trying so hard to work on myself and go to meetings. Then he has been trying hard and going to the meetings to, and then right when I let myself have the tiniest inkling of belief that he really does want to get help he turns around and does this b.s.

I asked him the other day how long he actually thought I was going to hang around for much more of this and he said I know its not long. If he knows that then why continue to do it? WHY?

I swear that no matter how much I read or how much I learn and how much of addiction I logically understand, my heart will never make that connection with what the one half of my brain understands. The other half of my brain is saying well, if he knows I am going to leave him over this garbage then WHY in the world wont he stop it? I tell him everyday, dont you realize what you are doing to your liver? Do you even care that you are killing it? Why doesnt he care??

I HATE ADDICTION!
I HATE PILLS!
RIGHT NOW I HATE MY HUSBAND!
RIGHT NOW I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO LEAVE HIS SORRY WORTHLESS BUT!