Bonbon
I think you are hitting a "bottom" and the good news is the only way to go is "up".
It is okay to vent and get all that stored up garbage out in the open. But sooner or later we have to turn it over to the Higher Garbage Collector.
You are doing fine. Feeling the pain and insanity is part of our recovery too. We acknowledge it, feel it, share it, let go of it, and then we are ready to move ahead.
Hang in there girl, the gloves of denial are off and you're ready.
Hugs