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You know, I just finished typing a long story about whats going on with me and my A, the latest horror story, but I decided to not to post it, I'm really just ranting and raving about myself. I am pissed at myself for feeling the way I do about myself.

I am really wondering why the hell I continue to put up with everything that I do. I will stop and say, I could just make him leave and everything would be ok. But then I have myself and all my ****** up thoughts I have about him all the time. The obsessing, the worrying , the obsessing, the co-dependency issues with myself. I HATE IT!!
I think too much, worry too much. I feel stuck. If I stay with him I feel like **** alot of the time because I am always worrying or obsessing. If he leaves I REALLY feel like ****. I am not liking myself today, I am also not liking the fact of what my mind has become, why cant I think rationally, and be strong? I laugh at myself now, because in the first years he and I were together, I used to say to him, "A Sane Woman would have left you a long time ago" I laugh now because I know I really cant be all together if I am putting up with and dealing with all that I am?

I am rambling, I know this, but I cant help the way I feel, I feel like I am trying to think about the program, I spent 2 hours last night reading Courage to Change..

I guess I am at the point where I am sick of myself today. Mad at myself too. Geeze overlook me today. But thats how messed up my thinking is usually.

Thanks for listening,
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