Cheating is a HUGE violation. HUGE. Healing from this takes time and that time is not ours to schedule and not any one else's to schedule either.
Forgiveness isn't the magnanimous thing we are taught to believe where we forgive the other person at the expense of outselves. That is not our job. That is the job of our HP.
What we can do is forgive ourselves and then let our HP take care of the transgressions. Forgiveness isn't forget-ness! Forgiveness is letting it go so we can go on and live. Forgetting is not part of that deal. Remembering without feeling devestated is.
You are not ready to do that. You are hurt and you are angry and you own those feelings. When you believe those feelings are no longer serving you a purpose, you will be ready to let them go (they are very protective feelings which you may need right now).
My XABF is out of my life now for months and I am not to forgiveness YET. I am closer but not there.
This is going to take time. A year is good tho it may take longer. Sometimes people divorce and later remarry.. and that is the result of needing time to heal from the wounds.
You are still in such early stages.
Yes. Your RAH seems to have changed, but as much as you have been hurt you are not ready to trust again. That is OK. Trust comes on its own schedule. I know because I am not ready to trust again and XABF has been gone a lot longer than your RAH has been in recovery.
BTW you need to work on that idea of YOU being the loser. Nope... HE is the loser in this. YOU are NOT a LOSER and anyone who thinks you are is an IDIOT.
I know that is hard.. as much as we give them they had to cheat and so we look at ourselves and say, "What have those women got that I don't have" and the whole self deprecation thing sets in. I know. Most of the time I am fine but when I get over tired and stressed and want some comfort the old negative codie crap kicks in and I think this. I think no one would possibly want me.. after all my X cheated on me and I was really nice and good to him. I get thinking I am nto good enough and NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. That is Codie thinking!
The reality is that the person who cheats is so insecure.. so immature.. that they need validation that they are attractive and capable of being loved. So they cheat to prove their gender strength (manliness or womanliness!) and to give their ego a boost. If they were real people with full hearts they would not NEED to cheat to validate themselves.
They also would not need drugs to feel good about life.
So, cheating has nothing to do with the person being cheated on. It has everything to do with the cheater..
but it is hard to remember that sometimes.
Be good to yourself and don't rush what is going to take its own time to happen. Go to meetings and work on your recovery and let time heal you and let him do what he is doing.
((((Booklover))))