Am I wrong b/c I can't forgive?
My RAH has been sober 94 days. During his sober time, he was still a cheating lieing jerk. Now, he says through his recovery, he sees that was all wrong. He wants to reconcile. He has called off any and all of the girls he was seeing. He says he is hopelessly devoted to me. He spends most of his time here with the family being with the kids, raking the yard...buys me flowers and does nice things. I can't help but feel it is a little too late.
Some of my friends who are in AA have told me that he is doing so well and really changing. They said, "I really think you guys can work through this and be a family" and I couldn't help but feel like they meant I should. I hear a lot about forgiveness is alanon and I know I should for my own sake.
But I don't know that I can...last night, I agreed to accompany him to his gig. There were all these people he plays with and their girlfriends who have seen him with all these different girls, his friends who were told to cover for him when he was cheating...I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. He sang this country song about a guy who is married and cheating and how he really wants to be with the other girl...I know it was just a cover song on the set list but it bit into me so hard I started crying right there at the bar and got up and left. Why do I care what those people think of me and why do I give it power? I couldn't help but think about how they know and what a pathetic loser I must seem to them, such a victim, such a doormat. How could I respect myself and still be with him after everything he has done?
How can I ever forget what he has done? How can I forgive this man, even if he has finally made a committment to not being that person? I know lying and cheating were symptoms of and part of his addict behavior and it took awhile to learn how to overcome that even being sober but so f-what? He did it. And for months he has begged me to take him back meanwhile seeing other women.
It is so hurtful. He does finally seem to be the man I married or thought I married trying so hard to work his program and be a good father and man and husband. But SO much damage is done....am I living in the past? How can I not????