Originally Posted by
codependent1 
What in the world is wrong with me?? I am pushing him away and he is basically saying to me, "honey, i understand why you are insecure and i will never leave you for it, but you have to let it go....you worry yourself sick about things you have no control over." This is my r-addict saying this to me. Tell me my disease is not worse than his!!! I feel like a basket case.
Wow - these words are mine.
If you read earlier posts of mine in the past few weeks you can see my complete craziness stemming from MY recovering addict being the one to calm me down and tell ME everything was going to be okay.
I STILL deal with this. I experience the same insecurity, racing thoughts and codie behaviors that you do. Because my abf is in a half way house in Florida for 6 months - it is SO hard for me to accept that I have no control over what he does. There have been evenings where I've been freaking out because he didn't call me as much as he did the day before or he didn't answer the phone because he was in a meeting. I battle all kinds of worries and have a hard time accepting any progress he shows me because I have such deep fears of being hurt and of the same things happening all over again. I still had the horrible fear that he would become sane and I would be too crazy for him to handle and would inhibit his recovery.
Dealing with addiction has made us deeply insecure. (I was insecure before, but dealing with this crap kicked me back to a place of self-loathing and disrespecting my basic dignity as a human being. I began to believe I deserved the sh*t I was getting.) I think it is such a tricky stage to deal with - we WANT to believe above all else that they are making progress and those horrible days are behind us - but a protective mechanism in us is what thrusts us into the codie stage - we somehow feel that trying to control things for our peace of mind is what will ultimately make us feel safe.
I wish I had better words of wisdom or advice, but all I can say is that I know where you are at - some nights I feel like I am backsliding and can't pull the breaks on it. There have been moments where I have been so outside of myself, abandon my life so much because I felt this obsessive, pressing urgency to validate his love for me, commitment to our relationship and recovery. Letting go is so hard- it requires a sense of security with oneself or with the future which is extremely hard won. I do believe though that it begins with us - Alot of Al-anon literature has helped me. I needed to and still do need to start with the basics - beginning to believe that I am a worthwhile human being and am entitled to believe in myself and love myself and feel good about who I am NO MATTER WHAT.
I also downloaded the Codependent No More on audio and put it on my Ipod so I can listen when I need a refresher.
You are not alone.
My thoughts are with you.