Thread: help
View Single Post
Old 08-07-2007, 08:30 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
duet_4-8
A work in progress....
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
i know that it is not what he wants, and he is in denial about how bad it is. he still thinks he can control it..if he thought he couldnt, i think he would get help..but he is in that denial stage and cannot get out....
Sorry to be blunt, but his denial is not one bit stronger than yours. Here is how I read the above quote:

"I know that it is not what I want, and I am in denial about how bad it is. I still think I can control it. If I thought I couldn't, I think I would get help...but I am in that denial stage and cannot get out....."

See what I mean? I KNOW how hard it is and how frightening it is, I KNOW you don't want to have to do it. But your options are these:

(1) Stay where you are and live in the chaos, and let your kids live in the chaos, while you keep obsessing over all the "if onlys" and "buts", and making excuses for every rotten thing he does, but don't actually DO anything to change your situation.....or

(2) Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and decide that you REALLY want to make a better life for yourself. And then start taking steps to do it.

He IS NOT the man you want him to be. He IS NOT going to magically become the man you want him to be. He IS NOT the father that your kids deserve. He IS NOT going to magically turn into the father that your kids deserve.

He IS a drug addict. He DOES manipulate, frighten, and intimidate you. He ABSOLUTLEY DOES know exactly what he is doing, and he knows he has you right where he wants you. He DOES NOT want help. Why should he?

He has everything he wants and his drugs, too. He twists you around and controls your every waking thought. Doesn't that make you just a little bit angry???? It should! It should make you angry enough to do something postive towards changing YOUR life.

I think I said this to you a long time ago, but you need to give him his life back-meaning stop worrying about and trying to control what he is doing-and take control of YOUR life.

Just as I was every bit as sick as my exah, you are every bit as sick as your ah is. You can get better whether he does or not. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your kids. You are not doing them any favors by staying in this relationship, I promise you.

I don't mean to be harsh, I have been where you are. I left and went back many times. I wish I had known years ago the things I have learned in the last year. I wish I had known how much it was hurting my kids when I stayed with him. They are old enough to tell me now, and it isn't pleasant to know that I could have protected their hearts from his crap if I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own.

Don't punish yourself for taking him back; use the knowledge that he played you *again* to motivate you. You CAN do it!!
duet_4-8 is offline