Thank you again for the comments and support.
At this point- I love him very much and am proud of him in his recovery. I am trying very hard to make my own decisions and not let others influence me while simultaneously distrusting myself. I am too swayed by others opinions and jump into the first sign of my "inadequacies" in making proper choices.
Addiction has left me with alot of baggage and insecurity. It is my job to work through this myself. I genuinely believe that abf loves me, but as he says many times, there is not much he can do so far away.
This time that we are apart was meant for me to focus on myself and to let go of the control. I have wasted copious amounts of energy on something that is essentially driving me into the loony bin.
The fact is that I do have choices.
I am in the process of attempting to surrender completely to the unknown and to sharpen the focus on me and myself.
I am thinking maybe I need to take a break from here for a little bit.
I have never felt so crazy as I did last night and it ends here. I am so sensitive at the moment and influenced by anything and everyone. I need to become strong in my own convictions. I have not been thinking rationally or clearly for a long time.
The filter on my brain needs to be changed. Cleared.
I must find my own way to stop giving someone else so much power over my emotions and to be still in knowing that me- as I am is okay- that I don't need to do ANYTHING but be myself.
I have been at a place like this once and it IS possible to do it again.
Jumping into the first feeling that comes my way and wallowing in it is not my solution. Neither is berating myself for how difficult this all is- so, I must remember that feelings are NOT facts and that I am very sick mentally and need begin to peel away the irrational, self-harming behaviors and thoughts that are attempting to protect me, but at the same time destroying me.
It helps to do the whole "property" thing - realizing what IS mine to deal with and what is NOT.