Thanks everyone, I've really enjoyed reading this thread. And AcceptingChange, I've heard (and used) the blind men and the elephant parable before, but never in poem form. Loved it. Thank you.
I've been hanging out in the secular forum because I don't identify with the "traditional" AA view of god that I hear in meetings. Particularly the concept that "god" has a "will" for me, a "plan" that I should follow. A little too close to the fundamentalists I grew up with. Not interested in returning to a fear-based version of god. So I like being with other people can ask the question and not get criticized for not buying into the "traditional" viewpoint.
The irony is that at a different level, I can see that my genetic map is both a limitation on what I can do and be, and an open door. It's a sort of plan. (I'm not talking about the narrow issue of whether alcohol dependence/addiction is inherited, I think the jury is still out on that one). I'm thinking big picture -- that when I act contrary to the "map" (or plan) that is me, things get whacked out.
I do have a spiritual experience of the world without having a rigid theological belief to go with. But I have rejected certain theological beliefs as inconsistent with my experience -- I don't believe there is a "higher power" in control of what happens. Others on this thread have said it better -- but basically, I can't reconcile Daufaur and Aschwitz (sorry for spelling) with what a privileged life I've had. Why them and not me? And on the flip side -- why did I have a raging violent man for a father? Where was god in that decision? So the whole "control" aspect just doesn't work for me.
I share at AA that the third step does NOT say "turn my will over to god's will" --- it talks about turning my will over to the "care" of god as I understand god. "Care" being the operative word. And that feels ok for me. My conception of god is closer to the idea that I am never really alone, even when it seems I am. Others still care, including an underlying power, a source of comfort, that is always accessible.
Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for being here.
CJ