I'm so glad to hear from you!! Please don't ever feel embarrassed here; most of us have gone back and forth many times over. I know I did. But I learned a little more each time, and I got a little stronger each time.
If I could offer just one morsel of advice, it would be to start putting some money back for yourself, that he has no idea about and cannot get to, against the possibility that you will have to seperate again. That is not being pessimistic or negative; it is being realistic and proactive. Many times the fear of not being able to take care of myself financially was what ultimately drove me back; having money gives you options IF you need them. That is healthy.
We all care about you and want the best for you and your kids. Keep posting and reading and learning. Take care of yourself and the kids.
((((HUGS))))