CJ-50

Has anyone had an experience like I have?

I spent a few years going to Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings. I found acceptance, understanding, no criticism and no cross-talk. It helped me to identify with others who had the same fear of authority and perfectionism and other emotional remnants from a dysfunctional family. I moved cities, and didn't find a meeting in my area. Tried Al-anon, but didn't seem relevant (I was no longer living with the alcoholic parent).

Fast forward to 2.5 years ago -- I realized that my pattern of alcohol consumption was not healthy, that it was no longer safe for me to drink, and that I wanted to stop. Having been "raised" in 12-step (positive experience in ACA), I went to the nearest AA meeting. I stopped drinking and haven't had a drink since walking through the doors. I wanted the support -- but found a whole lot of judgment instead. Because I was a "high-bottom" I was either called a liar (it had to be worse than I described) or I was told that I would relapse because I didn't want it badly enough to do whatever it took to get sober. (Alarm bells went off in my head -- these people are in a cult -- I left that meeting and found another one.)

There are a few special people I've met who have their heads screwed on straight, but they don't tend to share (the loyal minority). I go as a reminder that I can't drink -- I'm down to one meeting a week. I toy with the idea of honestly sharing my "experience" in AA at meetings, but then I figure it's not worth the grief.

What's bugging me is the cross-talk and judgmentalism in AA. A leader "shares" his or her experience, and then people talk "at" them -- preaching to the one who led and telling them indirectly how to do it better. It is really creepy and so contrary to what I learned in ACA. And the emphasis on not talking about self -- ok, if I don't talk about my experience, then what do I talk about? Because of this, it seems to me as if people who share are just repeating what is socially acceptable -- they don't talk about their experiences -- they "preach".

I'm having trouble articulating this -- just want to know that I'm not alone. I read some of the "left AA" threads and thought it might be safe to post this here. There are so many places in AA where I can't talk about this ("no talk" rules tend to remind me of my dysfunctional family, LOL, which makes me feel more nuts after the meeting is over). It just feels rigid and closed system, when I know that the 12-steps are open-system. And they read Christian prayers -- all of the step prayers are Christian, some written by Catholic saints. This really marginalizes me. I don't speak up out of fear of being oustracized. Or criticized in that passive-aggressive way that many AA's have adopted -- if you've seen it, you know what I mean.

I want a community of sober friends and support, but I don't know where else to go for "in person" meetings. Already discovered SMART on-line, which is helpful. But they tend to discourage criticism of AA, which is really what I need to talk about right now.

Thank you for letting me rant....

CJ