Honestly need advice
AH has been 3 weeks in Intensive Out-Patient Therapy. He has been going to AA meetings on his off days. He's been doing homework every night. He has been great at home. It's been great.
His mother is lying, controlling, manipulative, religious and always has to be the center of attention. Every time we're around her, some huge drama happens and she's in tears. Everybody has to help grandmama. She abused AH as a child. She was abused as a child. Her husband (AH's stepfather) is an alcoholic who has never sought treatment. AH has spent his life being her protector, particularly since his father died 15 years ago. She has hated every woman he has ever been with, including myself. Her presence combined with AH's alcoholism has been the cause of me eating more crow than one should ever swallow in a lifetime. Oh yeah, every single time we're around her, he get absolutely hammered, way more than usual. When he's around her, his face is white, his teeth clenched but yet he still dotes on her.
So, last Thanksgiving was the last straw for me. I haven't spoken to her since. But we have also moved from being a 14 hour drive to a 4 hour drive. So now she wants to see our children, and says she wants to go with AH to one of his family sessions to be supportive of his recovery.
In the past, HER want to see our children trumped everything. I'd prefer she never see them again. AH is almost 50. It sick how he can't or won't see the dysfunction, admit to himself that she is not an "angel" (he once called her that to me a long time ago) and cut the apron strings. Also, we see her about twice a year. She is NOT part of AH's immediate family. WHY would she go to his family therapy? I think if she REALLY wanted to be supportive, she'd go to Al-Anon and fix herself instead of continuing to judge my AH and me.
AH is asking me if I will agree to her visit.
Here's my question.
Al-Anon is about setting boundaries. Al-Anon is also about not being jerked around by the actions of others, learning to be happy without trying to control the A.
I'm new to Al-Anon. I've never told AH his mother wasn't welcome in our home. But a few week ago, I told him I thought we should both work our programs before she comes to visit. We're babes in our programs, and her presence will be a huge challenge for both of us.
She's hounding him though, and if he says no, she will sob her eyes out and curse me to every person she knows.
Do I say it's okay for her to come, because I'm not supposed to be controlling?
or
Do I say it's not okay for her to come, because I have set a boundary?
Thanks all.