Thanks everyone. I think the rough patch is over for now. I think I havn't been eating right or taking care of myself, and I have been becoming somewhat of a workaholic - taking on more responsibility and extra shifts then were healthy for me. I think it was just burn out. I'm also feeling lonley because I am seeing less of my friends and family, and havn't been dating sence a major heartbreak and the realization that every man that I have ever been attracted to is - essentially - just like my father. My fear of wandering into an abusive relationship and my lack of trust in my judgement about men all seem like good logical reasons to be unattached until I am healthy - but the lonleyness that this brings is powerful and undeniable. I am not sure which option is better for me - and neither make me feel healthy, whole, or complete.
Last night I had a full blown panic attack that imobilized me for half the night. It was triggered by something small and insignifigant that happened while I was at work alone during the night shift. I went into hysterics, couldn't think straight, though I was going to die, couldn't breath, was crying and hyperventelating, was pacing back and forth, and called my boss and left an incoherant message on the voicemail. It took me about an Hour to come down - and that was only because I called my cousin(who was raised with me like a sister) who helped to talk me through it. I couldn't do a required part of my job because the attack was so powerful. I am a diffrent person when I have a Panic attack. I think back on what happened now and how I reacted and I am stumped as to why I would react like that? It doesn't seem like me - when I look back on those things when they have happened.
I have had panic attacks sence I was a toddler. I didn't know what they were back then.....but I think it was my minds way of processing my early childhood trauma. My mother though I was just afraid of the dark or had an overactive immagination or was too clingy.....but I was terified for no reason.