nytepassion

Drained,



I understand where your coming from .. I really do, but those what if's are endless and run in both directions ..

what if he has changed and you don't give him a chance?
what if he hasn't really changed and you take him back?
what if is really clean?
what if he is just abstaining?
what if .. what if .. what if ...

It is only natural to want things to work out and to be hopeful of getting back together if he truly gets clean ..
It is so very confusing .. because we love them .. and we want things to work out .. and your right .. He can change IF change is what he wants... this desire has to come from deep inside of him for it to happen .. Us wanting, wishing and hoping it for them is not enough ... and what it all boils down to is What is it that YOU want? What is it that you can handle What is it that best suits your life and the direction you want it to go ...

IF he is really clean now at this point what is he doing to ensure he stays headed in that direction? Meetings, rehab? Or is he doing it on his own?

One must be very careful when the addict say's he/she is clean because addicts say what they know we like to hear ... (I'm not saying that is what he is doing, but I am saying be very careful) The best way to evaluate if a person is clean is by their deeds .. not what they say, but rather what they do .. how much of themselves they are pouring into their recovery ... How much of the addict behavior is beginning to fade away and the person you once knew and loved is coming forth and stepping up to the plate.

If the addict truly wants help .. the addict will get help and will do whatever it takes .. they won't idly sit and wait for us to make up our minds for them ... they will have a determination that says "I am going to get myself clean REGARDLESS" because they know their life depends on it ...

You wanting to talk to him .. so that he understands where you are coming from is normal, but please don't get your hopes up to high about him being able to meet your expectations of him .. He may not be ready or capable at this point to do so .. and if he feels he has to get clean to save his marriage .. he might go through the motions for now, but ultimately if he wasn't ready he will go back to using ..

You know the only way I can explain it is ... take someone who steals for the first or maybe second time .. and they get caught .. they are embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed and deep down in their core they decide they will never do it again ... and don't (talking from experience here), but now take a kleptomaniac .. though they get caught .. and feel all the same feelings above .. and may vow to never do it again ... they have a disorder and unless they get help .. they will inevitably give into their sickness ...

So is it with the addict .. they get caught, confronted, given ultimatums and in fear or shame they make promises that even the best of intentions couldn't keep .. because they don't even really realize when the rubber hits the road how hard it is going to be to get clean and remain clean ... Help is needed ..

We too don't realize how hard it is going to be for them ... We've laid down the law .. they've agreed and then somewhere along the line the addiction starts calling his/her name and the struggle begins ... addiction is relentless and it doesn't stop calling .. it calls daily and each day it gets louder and louder and louder to the point that the addict will use just to shut it up ... (again speaking from personal experience) ...

I cannot tell you how many times I told people I was clean when I wasn't ... (there were times I said I was clean to manipulate someone into doing or giving me something I wanted .. and there were times I did it out of fear, out of shame, out of embarrassment .. (shame and embarrassment didn't happen for me until closer to the end of my active addiction) Fear governed me and most of the time I lied about being clean because I had something to lose if I didn't ... I had to lie, hide and perform to keep hold of whatever, whomever I didn't want to lose.

Addicts don't think they're addicts .. they have this idea in their head that they can quit any time they want ... and sometimes they will even try to quit on their own .. only to go back to using after a few days ... but they don't equate going back with being addicted .. we tend to think we go back by our own choice .. not even realizing that we are caught in a web .. and that realization evades us until we come to a place where it is our very own decision to get clean ..

There is a difference in "quitting" and in "getting clean" .. Quitting is something the addict attempts to do .. and generally fails .. getting clean is something the addict does.... and though they may slip during the process they get up dust themselves off and get back on track ... and eventually obtain the intended.
I want to throw in the fact that abstaining isn't recovery either .. it is important to keep that in mind .. because we want so badly for them to change and for us to be able to get back to a "normal life" that most times we put on the rose colored glasses and miss the truth that is right under our nose.

I could go on and on and on .. but in short .. from past post .. he exhibits "classic addict behavior" which in my opinion doesn't reflect the heart of recovery .. Please try to think with your head and not your heart ... because it is true .. Love is blind .. and the addict is a skilled master at manipulation and deception .. so much so .. that he/she even has oneself fooled .. Denial runs deep ..

Right now the ball is in your court .. You have to decide the game plan for YOU and it may include a plan without him in it. Only you can decide how much you can and cannot take and how much of your life your willing to put on hold while waiting for him to get clean or not.

****{Hugs}}}
Passion