sixisournumber

I am over 30 & I have been until recently engaged & in a serious relationship with the same man for over a year. One person I honestly feel I love with my soul. We share things so 'person' for that matter has been able to share with me. He has 2 boys under 6 & I have 2 girs under 9. He has had addiction problems in the past. He had become clean and full custody of his kids & working a good job-- giving back... home, car, being a man I'd give my life & soul to and to his kids I'd call my own. Then it has come to surface over the past couple of months... his addictions were starting to resurface... he struggled and i stayed and prayed and held stood by him. I stayed by his side & tried my 'hardest'! I realized that I made some mistakes in my efforts to help... never dealing with something like this before. I became an enabler of sorts. I realized the downward spiral and I pulled out -- one morning i realized that NO ONES LOVE was enough... not even our God's at that moment. When my bank account was emptied, things missing, bills unpaid, and my car & cell phone disappeared for 6 days by the 'MAN I LOVE' ... I realized I was WAY TOO DEEP ... in someone elses problems... yeah wish they were 'someone' elses. How does an educated loving self sufficient woman fall in love with the devil. The man who makes my soul bleed. I would only have 'phone' chats for love & support. I never realized loving someone could hurt so bad. After our split & his road to recovery began... I found out I'm pregnant. Told & proven that kids weren't going to happen without 'help' of fertility drugs and me not having cycles ... we had no concerns about having any children together. Well after our split.. God rang my doorbell. Yes I'm pregnant. About a week after finding out & him informing me that he had to get 'his' life & when he felt the rest of his family was strong enough to 'accept' our child .. he'd join in. ANGER & RAGE have been/are my middle name. About 1 1/2wks ago... I found out he's been incarcerated for his 2nd time... and its serious... will do a 'good' amount of time. His family basically told me to get lost, not to BOTHER THEM OR HIM and that it was my quote 'IRRESPONSIBILITY' in life & they had warned me to be careful. Their warning had been... 'my son has had addiction problems, be careful'.. end quote. Yes geez .. thanks. So they told me to have a nice life and we hate you for loving him, helping him, and yes enabling him at one point... only by lack of knowledge of how addicts act, work, live, love, and LIE LIE LIE. So here I am over 30, single mother, now pregnant, and virtually alone. My family has 'LOTS' of opinions.. none of which I really like to hear. I love and addict and it hurts more than anything on this earth I've every experienced. How can the sweetest most loving and intimate person I know someone who grew with me in my God .. suddenly become the devil incarnate??.... because NOW my addicts active and loves no one but 'IT' .. I know as an educated person that my job is to 'walk' away as everyone puts it.. but when my 'babys' born... i will stare at him everyday for the rest of my life... does the anger and pain ever fade to just regret ??? I want to be a woman of her word... be the bigger person... stand by your man... but God at what cost... how many more times does this happen... what do I loose the 'NEXT' time around... How many times does he break my heart... How many times is too many times when he disappears... What do I say to my baby when he ask why he has no father?? I know God hears me.. but my soul feels no relief!!!