drainedwife

i heard from my ah again. I understand his frustration about not being able to speak with me and to tell you the truth, i want to speak to him (rather email). Just to tell him directly how i feel. It is hard not speaking to your husband of 14 years for over 6 weeks, and not seeing him at all.

I know you all probably think i am crazy....I was also thinking of having my step dad talk to him before he goes back to Fl. I need to know also if he is willing to go through some things in order for us to possibly reconcile.
He says he hasnt used in almost 2 mos. I am inclined to believe him just because i have checked the phone records--there hasnt been calls to his dealer lately and because his father and mother know about it now. He would rather die than have them think he is a drug addict. One of his emails said he thinks it is disgusting now. I know what you are thinking, that he can say anything to me..he hasnt DONE anything to prove it..and you're right...he shouldnt be waiting to see which way i go,....he should be getting help, any kind of help,,,90 meetings in 90 days, or whatever, no matter what i do..

I want him to know that he needs to go to the eval. and be 100% honest, and abide by whatever it is that is recommended for him. And then after he has had therapy under his belt and after there has been a long period of clean drug tests, then we can go to marriage counseling. But, as for living together now, which i know he wants, that will have to wait. He seems to think that i just want a divorce and in that case he will fight me. If he knows that there is a chance that things can work out between us, then i think he will do whatever it takes...at least i hope so.

I am so confused...I still love him and I know that if he just gets off the drugs, gets therapy and stays celan, things have a very good chance of working out.
Am I just being naive and stupid??

Plus this lawyer is costing me a fortune..once im done with him, there will be nothing left. I dont kow where the money is going ot come from to pay him...even monthly payments i cant afford right now with the 2 mortgages and all of our debt.
Putting it on a CC i will just have more debt and owe more interest....if there any way to do this through a mediator maybe???


For those of you who dont know, because someone said to me on another post, to get a part time job...but i have a full-time job...i am looking for one that pays more, but i cant make THAT much more right now...and i really have to wait until after the summer because i have the kids scedules all worked out with camp and work.