oneeyeopen

well, I left you guys with the abf going to jail. that was over a month ago.

He didn't end up going...and of course I took him back and he even moved in ...

sober-ish for a month...clean for a month... and of course the usual happened last weekend. I told him to leave, I changed my mind, we figured it could all be fixed..bla bla. you know the drill...

goes out last night, disappears..well, I went to work, figured he would show up at my place while I was there and do the usual-- crash out, apologize etc. and I would do the usual--let him stay.

BUT NO. he packs up all his stuff, tells me he is leaving, that I shouldn't contact him, that we are just making each other miserable, etc.

well, I of course was devastated, cried and cried, begged him not to go, called and left messages telling him I loved him..bla bla bla.

he calls, tells me it is over, and of course I get the typical -- i am the psychopath thing..and of course I feel guilty, and think about all the mistakes I made and I apologize and plead etc.

and then, and then...my mother calls. Now she knows nothing of all this, so I just say, while sobbing that she has to come up, and she does ASAP, and I tell her everything, all of it, the drugs, the drinking, .... I was so relieved to finally be able to tell her what is going on, for her to understand my depression and moodiness and crankiness. I was so relieved to have her support and care.

man, and then the HP steps in and out of no where first one of my brothers calls, and then the other and for the first time since I started on this nightmare I had my family rallying around and it felt so good to get it all out in the open, to have support for my part of this struggle.

I almost feel like I can handle it...handle the break-up, the pain, the loneliness, all of it.

oddly enough everyone I have spoken to including abf's mom thinks he is going to be right back on my door step sometime soon. But I am pretty convinced he won't, he has already started on the detaching method of vilifying me, I am a psycho, I am greedy (for wanting to be paid back!) I am unwilling to change, I just want to control. bla bla bla.

Monday we had a good day together and through our discussions I came to a much clearer understanding of what he is dealing with and felt a growing compassion for him. we had a really great day yesterday, spent time together, went on an outdoors course together, we spent the afternoon in bed, last night, for the billionth time, he tells me he loves me then leaves to go to town and for the upteenth time leaves me at home alone and opts to sit in a bar and eventually a crack house, less than 12 hours after spending an afternoon loving each other he takes all his stuff and leaves and tells me not to contact him.

Oh well. At the end of the day it takes two people to have a relationship and if he doesn't want to there is nothing I can do about it.

can't really figure out what I want, I just know I want the sober and clean him and it seems doubtful that will happen anytime soon. and in the meantime if we stay together the trust continues to erode and the anger and resentment builds up.

the only thing I didn't confess was my nearly 8 thousand dollar debt from this relationship, it would really sadden my mother since she helps me out financially, I think she would feel betrayed that, while she helps pay my rent, I have stupidly gotten that far into debt by enabling an addict...

anyway, no where else to go but forward, no matter what happens the only way to deal with it is to work on my own recovery, it will be the best thing for me and, if this relationship ever starts again, it would be the best thing for that.

hmmm sad sad sad sad...lonely, weepy,

thanks for listening