I don't think there is a person posting here, particularly in the beginning, who hasn't been angered by what someone else posted to them. We all understand, it's hard to hear things sometimes. I don't know if you are a bad mom or not, I've never met you or your kids. I am certain that you think you are doing the best you can right now, we all do the best that we can do at any given time. Never forget though, the people who are posting here have been dealing with this misery and heartache for a very long time, for many it has been years and years. The raised hopes when the addict takes a step or two towards recovery, the heartbreaking disappointment when our addicts have once again let us down is a uniting bond. Most of us have suffered so much wasted pain and we see that in you right now. Everyone here has nothing but the best of intentions and I truly believe they are just trying to prevent you from suffering a lot of the pain that we had because we all see you going down a path that for none of us worked. Maybe, somehow, someway your husband will be different. I'll be honest and say if that was the case I would be stunned.
We are all speaking from years of wanting desperately to believe that our addicts would be different and so far I've not seen one that really was. You are correct, there are absolutely different ways of recovery and rehab and 12-step programs are not for everyone. My husband is living proof of that. What I truly believe down deep though is the journey to recovery is exactly the same and that is only when the addict is ready to seek recovery in an genuine manner, because he wants for himself and only for himself will whatever method of treatment that is seeked will work. I just don't believe having someone else "evaluate" them and diagnose them will make a hill of beans difference until they are ready to really accept it and from everything that you have posted time and time again I just see no signs of your AH being anywhere near really accepting the fact the he is a plain old drug addict. For my beliefs until that happens, nothing will change.
It was the same for me and my recovery as well. Until I really accepted that my husbands addiction was completely out of my control, that there was nothing I could do to change it and that it was completely up to him, I couldn't get past trying to "help" him. It consumed every thought I had. I spent hours reading books and the internet about what I could do to help him, he was my focus, not me. I nearly died from it, literally. My health deteriorated quickly while I was trying to "save" him. You can believe in it or not, but it won't change the fact that you are powerless over addiction, you just can't manipulate it. One night, it finally sank in for me. I cried for what seemed like hours but from then everything was different. My husband was still an addict, that didn't change...but I changed. That moment saved my life.
Drained, I wish you nothing but the very best and I will hope and pray that somehow this situation works out better than all of ours did. You've got some tough days ahead of you and I hope you will continue to come here for support. There are many wise people here who can help guide you through. You, your husband and your children will be in my prayers.