You are not a failure, you are codependent. You hold the key to your future in the palm of you hand, he does not, never has.
When you have had enough, you will know it....there will be no turning back....until that time, it just another ride on the rollercoaster to hell and back.
Have you been to meetings? They were a life saver for me.
Others will be here to greet you, lots of wonderful people here, keep posting.