Talked to lawyer Saturday
My lawyer called me saturday. She was in the office doing work for trial. She reminded me of my upcoming court date for this friday. She told me if she didnt get her money, she wasnt going to show up. She also said that most likely they will go ahead and arrest me that day to go to the womens prison for my driving while revoked charges. This is getting harder as the day gets nearer. Sometimes I feel like I am going to strangle on the worry of what is to come. I cant imagine not being here for my kids. I cant imagine not being here when they get up, making breakfast, playing games, their 1st day to school, giving the baby a bath, story time, my extra cuddle time as the baby falls asleep with me, the smell of his skin or when he cries for me at night. My two older girls are ok with this. They know and understand what is going on. It still hurts them though.
I know this is only for 4 months or so but I just dont know how to get through it. I know its one step at a time but I cant help being very afraid.
I have so much to do before I go. I have to make sure the baby gets his shots this week so I can find him daycare this week. He hates daycare. I have to get out the winter coats and clothes for the kids so they can be found when the weather turns cold. I have to get everything lined up for when Im not here. How can I keep upending their lives. I hate that I am doing this to them once again.
They wont have me to do all the little things for them or even the big things. I will be gone for 4 months possibly maybe 5. The last 2 years have been just as difficult for them as it has for me. You would think that after 2 years a little normalcy would return to our lives. The kids have their dad to care for them but he doesnt want to. He can and will. But its going to be difficult on the kids. Where I cuddle them and give extra attention, he is hard on them. He is of the mind that the baby can go to daycare and that is just tough. He thinks that Kelsey who is only 10 can sit at home by herself so he doesnt have to pay for daycare for her too. The neighbor girl said she would watch her for 30 a week but he says no. He wont take the kids swimming, or do anything with them. He wont let them go to my moms or anywhere. I can take doing 4 months, but its not knowing what will happen to the kids while Im gone that I cant stand. I got myself into this and I will deal with it, but how will the kids fare?
I have looked for God plan in all this but if its for a reason I dont know. If its to teach me what I did wrong, I understand. What purpose is this for the kids? What can they possibly learn from this? That mom has screwed up once again? Mom cant ever be here when we need her? I have worked my tail OFF trying to put my family back together. For what? To go to jail for driving to get my kids when there was no other way? I got clean for myself and to put my life back together. Why does it keep falling apart at my best effort to put it back to right?