(((krhea)))
I remember another mom in Alanon saying -
"We moms hurt so bad because it feels like our kids are DYING!!! There are not dying. They are not dead. They are right here in front of you."
"What is dying is OUR perception of what THEIR future should be."
What she was saying was that we are crying because of the death of OUR dreams, not theirs. That pain is REAL, it is IMMEDIATE... but it can get better.
Once I stopped with the idea that my beautiful, intelligent, vivacious daughter was NOT going to graduate high school, was NOT going to go onto college, was NOT going to get a degree, was NOT going to get that great career and was NOT going to find a college-educated job and have a lifestyle better than ours....
Once I gave up on that, I was able to see the beauty in her love for her recovering addict husband and gorgeous baby.
These things came after 4 rehabs, a recovery house and an Oxford house... and the time it took for her to decide what she wanted in life. Her wants, needs and desires are not the same as mine today. It seems to me, that the road she has chosen is far more difficult. But I don't know that. I really cannot see the future. Only the present. And today she is happy.
Your son is exactly where he needs to be. His future is not determined.... not good, and not bad. Watching him walk through THIS time is horrible... I do know that. I also can totally understand you sleeping well last night. Jail and rehab were the only times I REALLY got good sleep for many months. But his future is not determined. It is quite likely there will come a time where he can look back at this time and say, "Without THAT, I would not be HERE....".
My prayers are that your son can find what he needs in this experience, and that this brings him into recovery.
Lots and lots of continuing Alanon meetings help me remember how painful it was for me when MY dreams for my child died, and why I need to constantly stay on top of my need to control every thing in my life. It is my natural bent... but now that I have awareness and acceptance of those traits, I can take action to help me do something different today. Because I don't like feeling that pain.
(((krhea))) Hoping today is a good one for you.