Drained...
Despite what I said earlier, I think you DO want to change. I really do...I'm glad you're reaching out for support. I hope you can find some meetings. I hope you find a way that works for you.
When I said you were as sick as he is, however, I meant it. And ya know what? Someone said the exact same thing to me when I was in a situation VERY similar to yours. And ya know what else? I got VERY pissed at her for saying it. Very pissed. But once the anger passed, I was able to see that I was just as responsible for my situation as my exah was. I wasn't out using drugs...but I was stuck in codependent behavior hell bent on making my exah see things 'my way'. From where I sat, I was the sane one in the relationship. But what it all boils down to...is that you can't run his life for him. You cannot dictate how, when and why he will recover. You don't have that type of power and, frankly, you don't have that kind of right even if he is your husband. He is a child of God and he really should be left to live his life the way he chooses. And so should you. You are not powerless. You are a strong woman...whether you feel like it or not but your focusing your attention and energy in the wrong direction and on the wrong person.
All said with love...like I said, I've been there.