New to the forum, major problem
Hello everyone.
I finally admitted last week, to myself and my ex-girlfriend, that I am an alcoholic. I suppose that I have known it for a long time, but I always told myself that it was a social thing.
Well....it isn't true. I cannot sleep without excessive amounts of alcohol, as many as 15 beers. I am not a bar lush, meaning I do not get wasted at a bar and exhibit socially ugly behavior. I am a pro at this. I drink a few at the bar, then come home and get wasted, in private.
I have been drinking heavily, mostly under disguise, for 17 years.
About six months ago, I started getting kidney pains, and they have not stopped since. I assume it is because of the alcohol.
My biggest problem (but certainly not the only one) at the moment is that I cannot eat. If I am able to get 1/2 of a meal down in an entire day, that is an accomplishment. Sometimes, a hot dog is the most food I can get down without throwing up. Drinking kills my appetite. The second I taste a beer, I lose any taste for food, besides salty things or "cocktails food" like olives, pickles, plain cheese, pepperonis, etc.
I have not been able to keep down a decent meal in four months. I tried to do a healthy meal in the mornings of fruit and dairy, but barfed it up (apple and banana everywhere). When I do get famished (massive stomach pains), I am able to suppress it until I get my one meal for the day. I have lost some weight, but it seems like my body is adapting to the lack of calories, and I am at a weight appropriate for my height.
Here's a good example of how eating is going for me: Tonight I ordered a fish and chips at about 7:00 (my first meal of the day). I was able to force down two pieces of fish and about 20 fries. I mean forced in that if I had eaten it any quicker, I would have thrown it up. I went through three huge glasses of water, and it took me about 45 minutes to finish.
I want to tackle my alcoholism, and soon. But first, I need to figure out how to eat and sleep without it. I am (successfully) self-employed, but have no insurance. I could continue this until I die, and no-one would ever know why I died. Seriously, I am a pro at putting up a front.
I hope that someone has some advice. I don't want to stumble through this and fail. I don't car if I gain 100 pounds....I need to be able to sleep and eat without killing myself with booze.