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Old 07-03-2007, 02:02 PM
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flwrchld
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Small Town
Posts: 46
Its been a while ..

Has been almost a month since I last posted, I thought my life was on an uphill swing, then .. reality hit once again. My AH had quit the drugs and drinking, but then after a couple or three weeks went out and bought some pot and probable some other stuff I don't know, and has spent about 5 to 600 dollars on booze at the liquor store on our company check book. And has stayed out again all night a couple times. He just won't quit, can't quit, or something. He pretends to be so attentive, then in the same minute is so grumpy and acts as if I am such a pain in his ass! I think that maybe he wants to be a responsible husband and father and just doesn't have a clue as to how to do this. I feel as if I am starting all over again. I plan to leave him as soon as I can muster up enough money and plan my escape, but he get so nuts even at the smallest fight that we have, he almost scares me, threatening and the looks he gives me are to kill. He tells me if I don't like it I know where the door is, but I just keep hoping things will get better. After 18 years, I am an idiot. The more I move on to my own, caring about only me and the kids and letting him go, the more he tries to enter into our lives and act like a caring husband and father, then BAM! he gets sick of it and puts us down, belittles the kids, goes out gets wasted, slacks on work, stops caring all together. The rollercoaster ride still isn't over, I feel as if I have had a slip back into to codependent ways and have to climb back up the hill all over again. I get pretty tired, some nights I just don't sleep, thoughts scramble through my head, I get nutty, and can't think rationally. I wish I would have never married him. I really wish I hadn't , but then I wouldn't have my two kids, who mean the world to me.... This life sucks....
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