ladyamalthea

I just realized that I am no better than my sister, whom you all know I have been so angry with for so long... just because my drug of choice is nothing illegal does not make it any more okay.

I feel like all I have done today is eat, and eat, lie down for a little while, and eat some more. I posted a whole thread that was nothing more than a rant about this in the eating disorders thread... so I won't say it all again for the sake of those of you who read both as I do... but now I'm crying uncontrollably and can barely read through my tears to type. I feel like I'm never going to be healthy, like I have to be fat and miserable for the rest of my life, no options. It's not fair. I've always tried so hard to be the good girl..to live by the rules... and my sister is the one who is blonde and thin with blue eyes. Why could I not have been just a little more attractive with a little bit better metabolism? I am insulin resistant on top of being a food addict, so it's just a matter of time before I get diabetes. I know this, and I know that I can change things now, but it's so damn hard. So much harder than it should be. I don't even like myself when I eat. I pig out on things that are high carb, high fat, high sodium, and anything else bad you can think of. And then I get more depressed, which makes me feel like I need to eat more... I just can't stop! A few minutes ago, I was not even hungry, and I just felt like I needed to eat, and before I knew it I was eating half a bag of chips!

I want to do better, really I do. But I'm getting nowhere but dead fast... I'm already halfway dead inside.

Please remember me in your prayers!