#5 Moral Inventory (What sucks about me)
My AH started drinking Sunday. He went 37 days this time after the last treatment out of 2 treatments and 3 detoxes. I feel very responsible and sad about this. He's been so angry with me lately and I haven't been a supportive wife because of my own issues. He ran off this afternoon after he said what a bitch I am and how he's not sure he wants to be married anymore because I'm not getting better. Then he went to the office where I found him several hours later consuming Bud's. He woke me up at 3 am to scream everything that's wrong about me. It made me think I should perform my own moral inventory. For some reason, after writing and crying, I feel better. What better place to admit my shortcomings to others than at SR.
What sucks about me...
1. I’m a miserable failure at life, at marriage. Last Wednesday was the 15th anniversary of my first failed marriage to my first AH, and I’m well on my way to a second failed one. It’s obviously me who make bad choices and can’t get along.
2. I’m a psycho bitch. I don’t feel very stable lately. I don’t mean to be this way, but it doesn’t really matter.
3. I’m depressed and negative almost all the time. It’s probably because I’m so acutely aware of what a failure I am. People see this and avoid me.
4. I’m lazy. Probably it’s because I’m depressed. And I’m fat because I’m lazy and depressed. Indecision has stagnated me.
5. I drink too much. Everything goes back to #1…I’m trying to escape the fact that I’m such a failure.
6. I avoid things. I play games, board games etc. I’m trying to escape the blame for failing AH and failing me.
7. I blame others for my problems. I blame AH. I blame his drinking. I don’t want to look deep inside myself to see my flaws and failures.
8. I’m not kind enough or supportive enough of the important people in my life. I’m incredibly selfish that way.
9. I’m a sinner and haven’t felt right with God lately. I keep making mistakes and I don’t learn lessons from them.
10. I’m lost. I lost my soulmate, my husband, my best friend. I just haven’t been good enough to attract good things into my life.