Thank you all for your kind comments.
I am glad I have a safe place to unleash my feelings where there is no judgement. When the expression of your feelings is constantly met with either rejection from another or extremely negative reponses it becomes hard to feel you are allowed to express them- then you begin to doubt whether or not you are even entitled to FEEL them.
This whole chapter of my life in which addiction was a part really brought back alot of my old insecurities and has stirred up feelings that need to be dealt with once and for all if I am to live a full and happy life.
I WISH I WAS TAKING WRITING - I have been in college for wwaaayyy too long. I took a year off when I got sick- then went part-time when I was in recovery and then decided to change my major and transfer schools- it's been like 6 years so changing my major again is really not an option.
And anyone else who pointed this out- is right- writing all of these things does not mean that I FEEL them... at least yet anyways.... I am trying to take action. Thank you are all again - your words are valued and appreciated. I really have tears in my eyes from all the kind responses and encouragement.
I am still tangled in a bit of a web- but am hoping that I can slowly remove the distorted reality that addiction creates and begin to achieve perspective.
So, I feel like I'm taking a deep breath and saying to myself, "Okay, Heather. You have to learn to like yourself. Your life really depends on it."
When I was in treatment for my eating disorder which i have struggled with for many years, and that has disrupted my life more than I can say- and contributes what I'm dealing with presently because I have alot of my own issues apart from my addict that have been there before I have even met him. But BOY after all the progress I had made- it's amazing how addiction thrust me right back into that negative, awful, hopeless and horrible place. But- what I'm getting to is that one of the other patients who was alot older than me told me something that I will never forget in regards to my recovery. She said, "Work this program like you've never worked anything before. Your life depends on it."
And my life literally did at that time- but I like to think of the same thing and apply it to what I'm dealing with emotionally now.
I have taken away the behaviors and destructive coping skills- (for me it was starving myself, for addicts it is drugs and so on- compulsive behaviors are masking feelings)- but the feelings of self-rejection are still there.
So, my point is, that I need to begin to believe in my worth and that I am unique and adequate- because the rest of my life does depend on it- it determines whether I am happy or I am miserable.
People on this site have often asked me why it's so hard for me to take care of myself- for many it's automatic. For me it takes alot of work since I'd rather do anything than focus on me because there is so many messy feelings outside of the addict's drama.
I keep trying to remind myself that if there is a change I want to see in my life- I HAVE TO MAKE IT. If I want to stop feeling so bad about myself- I NEED TO CHANGE MY THOUGHTS- I need to work on my irrational beliefs because no one is going to come in and save me.
And I keep trying to tell myself that in our weakest moments is when we gain our strength and that any type of fear of I have is what keeps me trapped and impairs my ability to make any signficant gains.
We all have the power to change our lives. I know I don't always believe it, but I have to have hope.
Ok sorry for blabbing. Yikes- this was long.