Originally Posted by Mlynn

I can completley understand what you are going through. I always guard my heart and caution myself. I don't let myself want because I was never ALLOWED to want - my trivial wants were not important when compared to survival in an alcoholic home. It HURTS to want. WANTING *anything* causes severe anxiety, panic, immediate reversial to self harming patterns or behaviors - because I associate "want" with pain. If I want or need - I will NOT get what I want or need - therefore I will feel the pain of disapointment when my wants or needs are not met. I guess the way to bypass that inevitiable pain and horror of being neglected became to learn not to want - or to want "less". If I convinced myself that a want that wasn't met - "wasn't so important anyway" then it takes it edge off - it justifies away the pain of disapointment. If I really didin't want it anyway then what is there to get upset over? It's a way to numb your feelings - expecting to get hurt - and then finding a way to prevent the hurt - even if it means totally disconnecting from your feelings, needs, and emotions.

I EXPECT my needs to not be met. I EXPECT for what I want to be ripped away. I prepare myself for it - anytime anything good comes along. It's sad really....but it's STILL really really difficult for me to believe (not just tell myself) that I REALLY DO deserve good things and that good things CAN happen for me - and last in the long run.