Ken, the most valuable thing that my Higher Power has given me is awareness. Let me say that again.....awareness. Say it with me.....awareness.
It is both a blessing and a curse. Once you are aware....truly aware.....you can never go back. You can cover up what you've learned in denial but the vines of awareness will grow through anyway.
You're fine. You are right where you need to be right now in this moment. You are here and you've displayed the desire for answers....and guess what.....that's what comes to you once you accept the awareness you've been given. There will be anger, sorrow, guilt and a whole heap of unpleasant things you may go through but they are only feelings, they are not you. Emotions are just that.....motion. They are meant to move. Let them have a birth and a death then move on to the next.
I hope this makes sense to you. If it doesn't now, it will eventually. This forum could never take the place of therapy and meetings but it has added so much momentum to my recovery. Keep posting. Hugs