I can relate to what you are going through in so many different ways..
I was the child of an alcoholic Father and a very controlling mother. On a good day.. I was fed and left alone. I don't even want to talk about the bad days. No matter how your life turns out, there remains a big hole in your heart where a childhood should have been. Sorry but there is no fix for this. The only thing that one really can do is accept it.. otherwise a person can waste their whole life in bitterness, and escapes, trying to forget
I also am married to an alcoholic and I am a mother of a grown son.. Who is not an alcoholic
When my son became of an age where he could enjoy a beer with his Dad.. it really troubled me. I talked to him! I pleaded with him! I begged! I would have done anything to keep him from becoming an alcoholic! Yes, even after growing up with an alcoholic and being married to an alcoholic all these years .. I still react as a child. Thinking that I could do something. If I don't.. then its all my fault.
It took the words of my son to bring me peace. He looked me straight in the eyes, smiled that beautiful smile and said.. Its OK mom. I'm grown now. You don't have to protect me anymore. I am a man and can make my own decisions. I will never abuse alcohol, or allow it to abuse me. But now, I'm going to have a beer with my Dad.
I think your husband is the one who will have to speak up to his parents to get them off his own back, but I do not even know if that's possible for him. He will do it when and if he can. You can’t help him here. Please don’t push him or even give the impression that he is less because of his inability to stand up to them. One day he may get there.. But then again maybe not. You can not undo the damage they have done. Just be there! Those last three words probably don’t mean much to you.. But to a child raised in alcoholism, the thought of someone “just being there” loving you with all your warts - its heaven.
As far as you and the parents? Excuse yourself from the room when they start ridiculing people. If they start on you about having a beer... just say NO! Keep it simple and bitter sweet. It seems to me that alcoholics (drinking or not) like to put us on trial for our every word. The more words you say, the more ammunition they have to use against you.. so keep it simple. The best way to end their game, is to quit playing. Be strong - don't let them drag you in.
Most of all GOOD LUCK!!