Rose
Big, huge, comforting hugs to you. There, see? You won't have to go without hugs if you and the spouse part company.
Seriously, I can relate to your explosive behavior. I had many a day like that while I was still living with an active alcoholic. It's a family disease, remember? So you slipped up and acted in a way that you wish you hadn't. That is now officially in the past, let it go and concentrate on what you can do "just for today". I think your trial seperation is a good idea. It will give you both an idea of what living apart will be like. And you might be surprised by how much more peaceful it is in your house with him gone.
As for your fears, you are only human honey. Many of us fear being alone and not having a significant other in our lives. Many of us think it's better to stay with someone "problematic" than to be on our own. This is a decision that you have to make over time. That is why I think the trial seperation is a good thing. Maybe while you two are apart, you can think about how you could make the relationship better if you stay together. Have you considered marriage counseling? This might sound weird, but if he won't agree to that, you can see a marriage counselor by yourself.
I will say a prayer for you, it sounds like you are hurting a lot right now, and I'm sorry to hear that. And you will never be alone, because you have all of your friends here at SR who care about you very much.
Peace,
Gabe