Rose56

This morning is filled with pain and self loathing. Last night there was a mixup and no one picked me up from the Vanpool. I was suppose to meet my daughter at the Vet at 5:45 yesterday. I rode the vanpool to work and left my car at the drop off point. My husband picked up my car to go apply for a job. He was supposed to tell my daughter to pick me up at the vanpool before going to the vet as I didn't have a car. He spent the afternoon drinking and when my daughter came home at 5:30 to pick up the cat he started yelling at her about being late(which she wasn't) and that she was defying him. But he didn't tell her to pick me up at the vanpool and she didn't notice that my car was at the house(thereby having no way to meet her). She went to the vet wondered where I was and then went home again. By the time she got home hubby was gone drinking again.

When I got to the vanpool drop off and realized no one was there to pick me up I got angry immediately. I hate being left stranded and waiting when I am the one paying for all the vehicles! I didn't have my cell phone on me because I leave it home for hubby. I waited a few miniutes and then thought I should walk to the vet because there has been some mixup. But I didn't because I wanted to make a point about being left waiting. I wanted to be a martyer. Then I called home and spoke with hubby. He was angry and screaming, he said that my daughter had defied him and was late but she was on her way. I asked if he told her to pick me up at the vanpool. He didn't respond because he was yelling about her defing him. So I waited for a few more minutes. Then I knew for sure that she didn't get the message and I should have started walking then. But I was mad and half crazy I guess about making my point. Now another thing I could have done was drive the Van to the vet or home. I am an authorized driver and we are allowed so many driver miles. But again I wanted to make my point. After an hour and a half I drove the van home. My daughter was there but hubby was not. I screamed at daughter and she kept saying it wasn't her fault. I couldn't stop screaming. We took the van back to the drop off point and came back home.

She had done a good job at the vet with the new kitten, but she didn't have the shot information because I had it with me. We could have gone back to the vet and straightened it all out but I was so out of control. Then my daughter went to a friends house.

My husband came home around 9pm on his motorcycle very drunk. I KNEW that I should not even speak to him about the mixup when he was like that, but I couldn't control myself. I am truely crazy. When I asked him if he told my daughter to pick me up he started screaming all kinds of stuff about how irresponsible she is etc. I then couldn't quit and went into the living room and started harping about how he never told her to pick me up. He continued screaming and started walking away from me. I held his arm and he pushed me away saying don't put your hands on me. Then he went into my daughter's room trying to get away from me. I followed him and he pushed me down and went into the room and closed the door. Finally I came to my senses and walked away to my room and called an Alanon friend.

While on the phone he was screaming about me and calling me foul names and my daughter too. My daughter came home briefly and then decided to spend the night at a friends. My son came home briefly and then went out again too as his dad was yelling at him. All this time the windows were open so the neighbors could hear both me screaming at my daughter and hubby screaming at me.

So here I am. At work early because I couldn't sleep, eyes swollen and looking like heck. Feeling like the most stupid person to walk the planet. I know I need to separate from this person. I am just not sure that I can. I feel like a weak peice of trash. I have been in alanon long enough to know that things will only get mush worse. I feel remorse about my part in this, my need to be right and to make them pay. If only I had calmly walked to the vet in the begining. I pray for guidance and strength but the answers and strength don't come. I am desperate this morning.