Anniversaries
Sorry, I need to vent today. I tend to cling to anniversaries. I'm not talking about the kind of anniversaries that are filled with pleasant memories. I get hung up on the milestones of addiction.
It was one year ago today that my addict best friend sent me an email requesting that I never call her again. Her email was in response to tearful voicemails that I had left for her, telling her how much her abandonment of our friendship had hurt me. Actually, to say that my voicemails were "tearful" would be a bit of an understatement... it was more of crying jag. My meltdown was a response to the fact that it been a year and a half that she had been abusing drugs. In her email last June, she admitted to "not taking" my calls and told me not to call her again because it was "detrimental" to her. And so I didn't. I don't know what "detrimental" means to an addict. Did I just wreck her buzz? Or was she threatening to OD? I don't know.
So, here I am... 1 year since I've had any contact with the person that I cared most for in the world... well over 1 1/2 years since we last spoke to each other... and 2 1/2 years that she has been in active addiction... and I'm still waiting.
What am I waiting for?? My attitude is actually worse now than it was when I first came to SR a year ago. I think that is because, with every day that passes, I lose a little more hope... and I don't have much left. There's no sign that she's anywhere near her bottom. Whenever she is faced with the negative consequences of her addiction, she just shuts out that part of her life as if it's not happening.
I know, through her abandonment of our friendship, that I have been spared a lot of the nightmares that so many here have suffered. My addict friend has never stolen from me or tried to con me into giving her drug money, but she has said some things that were so hurtful, that I don't know if I will ever get over it. I worry myself sick over what she is doing to herself, and I know there is not a thing in the world that I can say or do to help her. Did she shut me out because she couldn't "pass" with me so I was a pain in her ass? Or was our friendship of many years really that insignificant to her that she couldn't be arsed to say goodbye? I'm so filled with resentment that I often wonder why I still care.
I'm angry. Not because she's an addict. I know that nobody chooses to be an addict. But she did choose to do drugs. She did know the dangers involved. This was not an innocent child that was misled. This was an sensible, educated, grown woman. She knew better.
The best friend is the one that's supposed to go through fire, right? They're supposed to be there no matter what, right? Hmmmm. Well, I tried for a long time. I was there, waiting in the fire... and I got burned. And I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I'm worn out. I HATE ADDICTION!!
Thanks for listening to my rant.