SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - don't know where I fit in....
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Old 06-10-2007, 03:12 PM
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DesertEyes's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,427
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Hey there cali, and welcome to our little corner of recovery.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... I just saw this forum-and it hit me....that I never think I deserve to be here--because I feel like I really didn't even have a father—he’s “long gone” just move on....
Yeah the name of the forum is mis-leading. The progam of Adult Children of Alcoholics started up some 20 years ago and back then nobody had much of a clue just how insane a childs life could be. Nowadays we use the term "toxic family", and it covers a whole lot more than just drunk parents.

So yes, you are more than welcome here with the rest of us "kids"

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... Issues with him in general led me to the bottle, and kept me there....
I know I started drinking becuase as a child I was trapped in the insanity of my parents alcoholism. I _stayed_ drinking because I liked what booze did for me, I can't blame that part on my parents.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... ……I didn't think that any of this applied to me----or maybe I just didn't want it to.....
Check out the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum. Visit your local library or bookstore and browse thru some of the recovery books for us "kids". I have met very people who find that _all_ the symptoms of ACoA apply to them, most of us are a bit of buffet

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... "I'm the one with the problem-it's my fault-I'm an alcoholic—at least he left and spared everyone pain----I stayed and put everyone through hell" ...
That's called a "twisted truth". It's "twisted" cuz it's a truth and a lie tangled up together into one. Those happen when you take a "all or nothing" explanation of reality. Those don't work, reality is _not_ all or nothing.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... —at least he left and spared everyone pain---
That's not quite correct. A "toxic parent" cause pain whether he leaves or stays. Either way the children are damaged. That's why it's so crazy-making; there's no escape. A statement that is correct for _my_ childhood is:

"Had my toxic parents found recovery they would have spared everyong pain"

Whadya think?

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... ...-I stayed and put everyone through hell" ...
I hope you don't mind, but I looked at some of your other posts elsewhere in SoberRecovery. I see that you are working on your own recovery from alcoholism. I attend meets of AA to help me with _my_ alcoholism, and I have learned that there are several steps in that program to help me deal with the damage of _my_ drinking. I use ACoA to help me deal with the damage that was done _to_ me. I have mixed both programs, and a few good shrinks, into my own "recovery recipe".

Originally Posted by cali View Post
..."he left me-I miss him why doesn't he love me" and it's nearly unbearable at times. ...
yeah I know that one well. We call those "expectations", and there's a lot of literature on how to deal with them. The first part of Step 2 deals with expectations, and the last 6 steps taken together are all about getting rid of harmful expectations.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... I go back and fourth on going to see him…...
As long as your feelings are confused and painful you will not be at peace with either choice. Once you have reached a point of acceptance with your past, serenity with your present, and hope for your future, then you will be able to make a decision as to whether see him again or not. If he dies before you reach that point then it is _his_ loss because he is the one who did harm to you as a child.

I never saw my biologicial parents again. They never quit using and abusing people so I decided, after a lot of my own recovery, that my life would be healthier if I kept it that way. The point is that I made that choice _after_ I got my own life in order.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... I do not enjoy opening up about this matter, but I am here to get better....
None of us enjoy cleaing out the ***** in our heads. But once it's cleaned life is _so_ much better. I'm glad you decided to join us. You'll find this forum is a very quiet, medidative place. We survived the chaos of other people's insanity and we kind of like a little peace and tranquility now

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