oneeyeopen

What makes it so had for me to disengage from the abf is that he was clean for 14 years before this relapse, and I keep thinking he can get clean again and stay clean for, at any rate, a long time. I wonder why I am so UNLUCKY as to fallen in love with a guy just at this point in his life...

But, okay, enough about him, he will be out of touch as of monday, for who knows how long, and I will be forced to deal with myself and only myself.

I am a bit scared of loneliness, of boredom, of depression. My kids will all be out of town, my parents will be away and I will really and truly be on my own...I have no friends near by, no one. I am trying to imagine what I will do -- sit around and watch TV? take extra shifts at work?? Go out and try to meet people (did that, went to bars on my own, and I don't even drink, to meet people and ended up in love with an alcoholic-addcit...so where do you go to meet the people who don't abuse substances???)

I woke up this morning, eyes puffy from crying, abf gone, I know what he did, I left him the usual bunch of crying desperate messages, gave mixed signals, telling him to not contact me until he is clean, but asking him to have his mom contact me to tell me how long he will be in jail.

He has always said that if we broke up he would get his parents to pay his debts back to me, so I am going to ask him to try to arrange that ASAP. It might be a long shot, but if it did work out, and they pay off his debt to me, that would really make me feel a whole lot better about my financial situation, which seems rather dire and which I have to keep a secret from my family. I am embarrassed at how irresponsible I have been.

I mean, letting a man back in the house who stole once, then twice from me, setting myself up to be ripped off a third time...they will just think I am a total freeking idiot.

the whole thing is lunacy. basically I have to come to terms with what I allowed to happen to me and consider why I let it continue, and forgive myself for it, accept it, move on, put it behind me, etc. I am also really attached to his family and I hate that in loosing him I lose them as well. so much to let go of, plans for the future, people, love, etc.

what will I feel 5 minutes from now? a day from now? I am wary of my own moods and emotions, one second I am resolved and the next I am reaching for the phone to call him to see if he has finally turned his back on and needs my help...

there is something about this jail term, it makes this break, has this finality to it. Like it has created the period at the end of the sentence of our relationship, I feel like, okay, just make it through til tomorrow night, if that means picking him up, or even having him here for the night, it is okay, since he will be out of my life by monday morning. and I get a long break.

I am trying to not think/expect/plan anything for when he gets out. if he calls and says he is clean--going to treatment or something like that, then fine, we can see what comes next, but if he doesn't, then fine. I don't want to be with a drug addict, no matter how much I love him. I don't know if I can ever build a relationship with this person at this time, after all that has gone on, but I do not I do not even want to try or even consider it if he is still drinking or using. so...on with my life, on with what ever comes up,

but I also know that if I look at the long outstretching future I just get overwhelmed and depressed and freaked out by all the myriad things that could happen, that I wish would happen, that don't happen. Better to just take today, maybe tomorrow, perhaps the next week, and just deal with that, let life get real small, not to look far ahead, and to just let it flow.

my only plans --- going to see pirates of Caribbean with my dad and son.

thanks all