I have made the decision not to pursue 12-step recovery. It just doesn't feel right to me. There are too many differences and not enough similarities. This is in no way a criticism of the program, as it has helped and continues to help many, just not me.
I tried going to a meeting again on Wednesday, but had a tremendous anxiety attack and sat in the parking lot for awhile and then left. I then spent the rest of the night beating myself up, telling myself I was a loser, etc. This is, of course, not the fault of the program, it is something I need to work on. But when it comes to 12-step programs, I just have the feeling of being a square peg trying to force myself into a round hole. It just doesn't work...for me.
I have been to somewhere between 150-200 meetings over the years, I went quite faithfully for about 8 months, but it has just never clicked with me. I have enough battles to fight without fighting unnecessary ones. I am not willing to "surrender". I am going to battle this until I find a solution that works for me. I have learned from the meetings I have gone to, but have never felt comfortable. So the conclusion I have reached is, it just isn't for me. I will continue to use the other support I have in my life, SR, my theripist, my family, SMART and Lifering, and hopefully at some point, new friends that don't encourage my self destructiveness. I think this is the right path for me, and the only way to find out is to journey down it.
That's about all I've got for now, hope everyone else is well. Take care all.