roandlan

OK, maybe this will actually work if I don't have to pretend I believe in god. That's a relief.
First day trying hard, and reading posts, and so far that Coronita at 7 this morning has been my last drink. Of the day. I've never done aa but have obviously been rooting around looking for guidance and have picked up on their helpful slogans and often humorous self-analysis (Block's Matthew Scudder genre fiction series gave me a glimpse). I want that, but this higher power stuff doesn't resonate with me at all; I am firmly in the agnostic camp and don't really think it is my business to pretend to know if there is a god or not- I have a hard enough time getting through real life, never mind some theoretical afterlife....
Besides, my Grateful Dead years did a great job convincing me that my brain can be manipulated by chemicals into believing pretty much anything. Boy, that was fun, but only because I was basically a blank slate, at this point I would not want to take a stroll through my brain- too much guilt and regret. I am 45 now, lucky to be alive.

I've got a really high tolerance for alcohol now, it is pretty scary how much I have to drink just to feel it, and it obviously shows a lot more than I think that I am drunk a lot of the time (my family is worried). I feel like this is my last shot at quitting drinking without making a HUGE fuss and checking into rehab and admitting to all and sundry that I'm a drunk. I can admit it to me, and to you guys. I hope my dumb addiction doesn't kick my ass again. Can I do it? Quietly, with maybe some ativan (I hear myself, I do, but just for the first couple of days that I'm sure will be quite cruddy...)?
??? It does help to vent, I'm been pretty verbose today. It's a relief. I'm worried. Any advice (already on the "new" forum people have been very kind) is very welcome.