Originally Posted by
chero 
I just keep thinking if he does get help and if he does do all the things I said he would have to do before I'd go back to him then am I obligated to return to the marriage?
You put into words something that I have thought about, too. It is (in a sick kind of way) easier to get on with our lives when they continue to use and refuse to seek help.
IMHO, you (and I) are under no obligation to do anything at all that we don't want to do. The drinking and drugging are only the tip of the iceberg in an abuse situation.
Abusive men do not magically become non-abusive when they get clean. Sometimes they get worse. It depends on what they are in counseling for. Is it to deal with their abuse issues or just for addiction? Do they even admit to being abusive in the first place, or is it still somehow our fault? Granted, the addiction has to be dealt with first before they could possibly deal with anything else. But the question remains-are they accepting of the fact that they are abusive or are they still trying to justify their behavior?
I have a really good book that explains the thought processes of abusers very clearly. It is called 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' written by Lundy Bancroft. I got it on Amazon. It really put the whole abuse issue in perspective for me. I would encourage you to check it out.
For me, even if my ex were in recovery for his addiction, it would in no way obligate me to try yet again to make this relationship work. I will not go back to living in fear and walking on eggshells and worrying about everything I do and say. Life is too short.
(((HUGS)))