Hi ontrack.
For me it's been thirty six plus years and I can't count a clean time of more than a matter of months since I was 12 years old. At this point I can honestly say that there isn't much I haven't done. My last run was speedballing and I don't even know why I'm still alive. I am new to recovery, with just 57 days clean and it is a daily struggle. I've never been so sick in my life as when I detoxed this time. But I am still clean and I wouldn't be if I hadn't gone to NA.
The day I quit I was making a decision about life or death. I called a friend and she took me to a meeting just six hours after I ran out. I was already getting dope sick and was so out of it I could barely move. But people were so supportive and encouraged me to come to a noon meeting the following day. I did, and went to two meetings a day the whole time I was withdrawing. By the third day I was ready to leave the meeting and drive directly to my dealer, but I got to talking to someone after the meeting who had over twenty years clean and we talked (actually he talked, I was just a blithering idiot) for two hours. He made so much sense to me that I started to believe I could actually get through it. I'm glad I did.
It's not easy. I'm still on an emotional roller-coaster and still think about using constantly, but I keep going to meetings and talking to other people who have been there, or are there now like I am, really helps. It's not just staying clean, but not knowing who I am without drugs that is the problem. I don't know how to live without drugs and that is harder than all the rest of it. It will take a long time to learn to live my life clean and to deal with everything I've avoided by obliterating my feelings with drugs my whole life. I don't think I could do that without a whole lot of support. And there is no better support than people who have experienced it.
I'm not a big fan of the idea of 12 step programs, but I have come to realize that if I want to have a life and be there for the people who love me (Yes, there still are a few) I have to be willing to try something I haven't tried. I need a new way of life. I am under no obligation and can stop going to meetings whenever I want to. It's a tool. And if anyone needs tools, it's an addict.
Good luck to you.