Thank you all for your replies. They are so helpful! I also love that this site and all of you are so responsive!
I am coming to realize that I need to be valued by my ex. I need to special somehow, more important than the email fliratations and others because for some reason I sink into absolute despair (worthlessness?) when I think I may not be/am not special to him. I guess therein is my lack of worth, lack of loving myself.
This seems to be a universal theme for codependents - any advice, suggestions or thoughts are greatly appreciated