You're in a tough place gns.
I recently broke through an anger streak that was blazing a path that could've lit up a black hole. I did a lot of work on myself to get through it and get some of the answers to the questions you ask.
My biggest accomplishment and goal I have yet to fullfill - give myself my own complete and whole self validation - To not second guess my instincts and to get my behind out of the denial I was feeding myself that gave me bogus reasons to stay.
I don't want him back any more. I might miss a few things - but I don't want him back. I look forward to my future now. I feel like i'm finding myself all over again and it's exciting.