Basically, I did the same thing. At first even work was hard for me. All I wanted to do was sit at home, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and ruminate. Then slowly after joining SR I started to have better days. This year my job has been really important to me because when I am at work, I can have fun and not think about my AD as much. I work in a school district too and am looking at summer vacation coming up. I am in a much better place than I was last year. I had to start doing the things that made me happy before my daughter was born. Things like long walks and fishing. It takes time but if you give it a chance you will start to feel better. Just know that your son's future choices are his to make. Awfulizing about things is not a good place to be. Out of choice, I don't have contact with my daughter. It is just easier not to be pulled into the drama that way and easier for me to stay sane and not awfulize as much. I hope that things get better for you. Hugs, Marle