StarGazer6

Yesterday after work I was driving near my xabf's parent's neighborhood, it's a really pretty area with historic houses, and I got emotional and remembered all the nice times we had and walks we went on all the time together. I haven't talked to him in almost 6 weeks since his last relapse but I really wanted to know how he was doing so I called his mom, we were very close when me and my ex were together, I felt like her daughter (I have a very close relationship w/ my own mother too which made me feel lucky to have both).

Anyway, I called her and tried not to cry but I couldn't help it. I asked how he was and she couldn't really tell me anything comforting, she just got back from a vacation and I can't tell if it's just that she doesn't know that he relapsed back on crack or that she doesn't want me to know how distraught she is. She said he has a lot to sort out with his finances (he's $120,000 in the hole) and that he's still living in his house he owns (probably not for much longer the way things are going) where he used to do drugs and that he isn't working and has a visit with the psychiatrist in a week or so. I guess I just don't know what I was expecting from her, maybe just to know he isn't in jail or hurt so I was relieved about that. I told her that I think about him every day. But I felt guilty for coming to her even though she said that she always loved me and that I can call her whenever I want. She said his phone is out of service cause he can't afford it right now and I didn't know b/c I hadn't even attempted to call him but she said she would let him know that I asked about how he was doing.

I was tossing and turning last night b/c now I feel like I opened the door for him to call me now, which secretly I kind of wish he would, but it makes me feel scared because I feel like I set myself back. I just can't quite get him out of my head and now that I moving up to Orange County June 10th I'm getting cold feet but there's no going back now, I gave my notice to move and I know it's still not that far but it's hard to let go of the memories of falling in love with my ex and with San Diego at the same time, maybe I don't want to forget and I'm trying to hold on to something that has already been gone for a while. Sometimes I feel like I should never have let him go and that I should have fought harder and I wouldn't be feeling the hurt that I am now.

His mother is a very caring and sweet person and I don't know if I crossed the line or if I made her feel worse or if she even really knows what's going on. I wish I had answers that made me feel better about us breaking up. Just when I thought I was past it, the last week I've been obsessing again and worrying about him realizing he's moved on and wondering if I ever will. Has anyone experienced something similar to this or have any words of wisdom?? Thank you.