oh goody, i will have some friends on myspace, that just made my day - i know it only takes the small things to make me happy. so anyway feeling a little crappy tonite, not sure why, just a bad mood i guess. got to thinking alot about forgiveness tonight. lets just play along with my ah for a moment and assume he's really serious about recovery this time, so i start thinking ok, in a few months he proves himself to me etc etc, i should stand by my promise to him that "if you stay clean and get help - you get your family back" - but honestly that scares me, i know i have plenty of time to decide but i keep thinking how could i ever go back to him clean or not if i can't forgive him or all that he did to me. how do you forgive someone who hurt you so badly over and over. someone once told me that forgiveness is a choice - not an emotion, but i can't even see myself choosing to forgive him for leaving me standing in the driveway crying, begging him not to go and then leaving me in a cloud of dust as he drove off, or leaving me in the hospital after my surgery to go get high, or getting high on the day of his son's second b-day party and never bringing the balloons and ice home like he was supposed to - oh theres so many more, as i am sure you all have your stories too, but have any of you thought about forgiveness? is it just a matter of time and healing? i guess i'm just tired and rambling again - better get to bed before the tears start. talk to you all tommorrow. oh and cinder, the back patio idea sounds awesome, i always wanted a waterfall too.