marle,
The thoughts of wanting them dead or thinking they would be better off dead has been discussed in threads here before. It is not an uncommon thought.
I don't think we really want them dead, but we are trying to escape being trapped between a rock and a hard place. They seem trapped and we seem trapped in this horrible, evil cycle of addiction that steals our loved ones and steals our lives.
I even had a recovering alcoholic tell me once that I should totally let my son go and if he dies he dies. It would be better for me than reliving his possible death over and over again and going through that pain continuously.
At times like these I try to seek faith to know that the escape doesn't have to involve death although there is that possibility. I believe my HP has the key to the prison my son and I seem to be in. When things get this bad it is the hardest time to find faith. I have seen my HP kick in when things were as hopeless as they can be.
I have another circumstance with my 13 year old grandson. He has chronic daily migraines and has been disabled by them for 7 years. There are times when I just cry and think that he would be better off dead so he wouldn't have to suffer so much. Again I have to seek the faith to know there is a plan and purpose for what seems to be total evil and torment. If I ask and it's not removed then I have to believe that it is meant to be and believe that there is a power greater than I am that is in control of all circumstances.
I do not have the power to give them health. I do not have the power to keep them alive. I don't even have the power to get myself through all of this. One day at a time is the most I can handle. No past and no future. What can I do for myself and others today? What is in front of me today. Is there anything I can do to help or do I need to let go and have faith?
These are the very hardest circumstances to overcome. A month ago my grandson was so suicidal he couldn't get out of bed. At the same time my son was close to death with his drugs and alcohol. Today my son is in rehab and sober. My grandson started an anti-depressant and is coping well again.
One day at a time.
Hugs to all,
MG