(((Marle))))
I had those thoughts... something along the lines of "oh, God, please can't we hurry this up... I don't think I can see it through to the end." Most of us who have gone through incredible pain - those of us with abusive spouses, addicted children or sick parents have had those thoughts. I believe it is a "normal" reaction to the pain. Please don't beat yourself up about them.
A couple of things happened about then - I hit MY bottom. I made a plan, said some good byes and went someplace to write a note. You've probably seen this story here before - the piece of paper I pulled out was my Alanon newcomer packet with the phone list on the front. I called a number and heard what I needed to hear.
That was the beginning of my Alanon program... the real beginning.
The other thing was I gave up my kid to a Higher Power. In MY mind, He was not "waiting" for her, but walking with her, guiding her when He could, and allowing BOTH of us the dignity to learn from our mistakes... He is the Ultimate Parent.
At meetings, they told me to visualize my child wrapped up in a safe, warm blanket and being lifted up by God. I did that visualization over and over and over.... it helped.
My prayers changed. I began to pray to be in God's will... as opposed to praying for my kids' safety and mine. I prayed to have the strength and clarity to understand and apply the lessons. I still pray that way.
I did not know the timing
Most importantly, I did not know the day before my kid got sober, that was her last time out. She had just returned from rehab, and it was like ALL the other times... she was OFF and running. Except, this time, she came back. She got sober and (so far) she has stayed that way.
But the day before she came back... I did NOT know. I thought this was the end. I thought this was my forever.
Today, if I get thoughts like that about my son, or even my daughter, I KNOW that open AA meetings and AA speaker tapes can give me hope. They remind me, over and over again, that folks find recovery when they and we least expect it.
We can't predict the future. Thank God.