Okay, I have thought about this many times over the last year. I would rather see my daughter dead than to continue to suffer and degrade herself like she is doing. I have even had thoughts of helping her along with putting pain killers in a drink so that she would just go to sleep. Then I could bury her, mourn her and move on. I know that it would not be that easy. I know that she has the right to live her life the way she wants. And I know that I don't have the answers to her problems and have no right to decide her fate. But I do not believe that she will be one of the lucky ones to make it out of her addiction and I can only see more pain in her future. These are the dark thoughts that come to me at times. Not constantly and I know that they come when I am feeling down. There are other times that I feel God's love for her and my own and I know that I want her to stay in this world and have a chance. Those are the times that I praise God for letting her live one more day and giving her a chance to find recovery. I also believe that I have a spiritual connection with her and that when I have these dark thoughts I am sending negativity her way. And I think she feels it even though I am only thinking the thoughts, not verbalizing them to her. It makes me feel like a fake at times. The two sides of me warring all the time. I believe God is a merciful God and that He is patient and waiting for her to return to His fold. I believe that I need to learn God's lesson and like the story of the Prodigal Son, I need to be patient and loving and forgiving. So there it is and I do feel shame for not being able to follow God's lead at times and I do believe that it is the devil or the evil side of me that makes me have these thoughts. Marle