Dear Lynne,
I think you're on the right track. You've been on both sides of the fence. You've paid your own dues and you know that no matter what one's background or environment, it's ultimately up to each of us to make our own lives work.
You eventually stopped blaming your own parents for your misery. My mother was an alcoholic throughout most of my childhood and teen years. If anything, that increased my resolve not to be that way.
I have two sons. The 20-year-old has been an addict since about the age of 14. The 18-year-old has acted with the maturity and wisdom of a 30-year-old for as long as I can remember.
Same environment, same circumstances, same mother, same father. Go figure, huh?
The only things you can control are your own feelings about yourself and your own boundaries of what you're going to accept from other people (sons included).
I know that it's really hard to stay focused and positive when there is so much chaos around us, but we must believe in ourselves and that we've always done the very best we can as mothers and fathers. We don't own our children's feelings and they don't own ours.
How they choose to "deal" with life is a choice they're going to have to live with for a very long time. By the age of 18, they've already made some choices, but they're still not quite sure. If you waiver in your own resolve and show uncertainty about your own choices, that may not be giving them the anchor they need to feel secure when they have to face their own demons.
In some cases, love hurts, but sometimes, it must.
Marjatta