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Old 05-17-2007, 07:58 AM
  # 121 (permalink)  
teke
grateful rca
 
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hey yall, been up awhile, trying to do some more carpets, looks like the cleaner don't exactly work like it should though, so i thought i'd take a little break, see what you all are up to.

cinder, i'm glad to hear that you heard something about your addicts, reading what your bil did made me think about your ah. he sounds like the more prideful one of the two. sounds like it is expected of your bil to go to his parents first, your ah seems like the one to stand back and show everyone that he don't need their help that much.

it funny how as long as i don't hear from my ah, my mind wants to tell me that he is doing so well without me, that he's steady getting better and living the life, while i'm here struggling with the kids and the household, with all kinds of sad and angry emotions, but then somebody sooner or later will come along and somehow i get the message that things haven't changed at all for them, that they are getting worse and worse. at that time, i can almost feel a calm, knowing that he's still doing the same things. lets me know that nope, i don't want to go there. it seems to give me a new charge and then i have to feel like i shouldn't be feeling relieved because he's not doing better. hey, i'm just tring to be honest here, maynot make much sense but it is what it is, i think.

even though i've been there, its still kind of hard sometimes to remember that when i finally did began to recover, working a program, and my head was a little clearer, i WANTED to make amends, asking forgiveness, and i WANTED to do that for my peace, it mattered but it didn't really matter if my amends made a difference, it was something that i NEEDED to do for my own serenity. i WANTED to make sure my kids were taken care of, i WANTED to be responsible, I WANTED to be dependable, i WANTED to be all those things that i knew that i should have been all along.

back to my ah, i kind of think that as long as he's not doing what he should be doing concerning his kids, (maybe not me) that should let me know that he is really not doing what he should be doing for himself to get better. i have to remember how he is normally without addiction in those distinct areas, like his kids. he's not the man that don't want to take care of his kids, i only had to do childsupport because he couldn't make it home with money on payday. if he was sober, i don't think that childsupport would ever be a concern.

another thing that lets me know that he's not doing the right thing, this man calls and give his whereabouts everyday at every stop until he's using and then nobody hears from him at all. like since he's been gone, i don't expect for him to call me like that but he should be calling his mom, and as of yesterday, she hadn't heard from him and was so concerned that she called me for his work number. once she talked to him, she was ok, and thinks that he's still struggling. him not contacting anyone is a good sign that he's not doing all that great.

then there is his golf clubs, i'm sure by now, he's sold his wedding band again, i know the phone is gone. if he keeps it up, no call, no show, he won't have a job and he won't be able to pay that hotel fare, if that really is where he is. i guess i'm just reasoning it out, like anvil said.
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